Parenting after parting

I was expecting the divorce season at BEST to kick off in the New Year but, it came early for me starting with a call on Christmas day. I had been struck by a ‘bug’ and not at all in the best of  moods. However, my problems were insignificant compared to those of the client who was desperate enough to phone me at that time. It never ceases to surprise me the lengths that a bitter spouse  will go to in order to punish an ex. Most commonly this involves children. It is absolutely abhorrent to use the children as pawns especially at Christmas time. Regrettably, the client’s best  option was to ‘sit it out for a few days’. The thought of this distraught lady sitting alone at Christmas in tears was unbearable but clearly what her ex intended. The impact on the children could  not have featured in his decision making. The children are back with their mother now after an emergency order and father’s contact has been limited. The children are still upset with him and one  doesn’t want to see him again. Sadly, he doesn’t seem to care….

Parenting after parting offers sound advice to couples going through divorce and separation but it’s only of use if they choose to attend and participate. I think it should be compulsory.

On a brighter note, I returned to the welcome news of some reconciliations! I post some unusual divorce stories from around the world on my twitter feed @harjitsarang. Some have a comedy element and some are  just horrible

Happy New Year

Best Regards

Harjit Sarang

‘Frozen embryo babies heavier and healthier’ – I agree, you should see my youngest!

BBC News – IVF: Frozen embryo babies heavier and healthier – study http://bbc.in/AsuCI9

Alternative families

BBC News – Few people feel part of ‘traditional’ families http://bbc.in/vOfeAY

New Years Resolution – get a marriage plan!

I was intrigued to hear about Will Smith and Jade Pinkett’s marriage plan. The more I listened, the more it made absolute sense.

When Luke and I set up BEST Solicitors LLP, we produced a detailed Business plan. This is regularly reviewed to make sure that our activities are geared towards what we want to achieve.

Sometimes, it is easy to get yourself lost in the daily tasks of running a business. Sometimes, things happen and we lose focus, sometimes things go so well that we take our eye off the ball! The business goals are set, they are simple and achievable.

Occasionally one needs to shift gear and re focus. Sometimes, a new perspective is required. We always try to remind ourselves why we set up in business and what we are here to achieve. The management of our tasks and the general running of the business is in tune with the long term goal. I believe that the same principles apply to a marriage.

Your ‘marriage plan’ may be to provide a harmonious, loving home for your children to thrive in; to show your children how to love and respect one another. The goals should include what you expect from and for each other because if you are content as individuals, you are more likely to have the love and drive to contribute to the good of the family. It is very easy to get lost in the mundane day to day tasks of running a household.

At law school we are advised to write the closing speech before preparing our witness examination. If you know what you want the end result to be, you are more likely to perform on a level to achieve that result.

Best regards, Harjit Sarang

Two mommies and a Dad

I’m often outspoken in my support for alternative families. I have to share a wonderful message that I received this morning.

Following an amicable separation and almost a year of agonising / soul searching, Mommy decided to take a leap of faith and move in with her female partner.  Unusually and admirably her husband has been supportive, selfless and totally focused on working with her to make the change work for their 4 yr old son.  It’s been a long journey and they have been super conscious about how the son’s friends and their parents will react.  Playground gossip etc.  Children aside, adults can be cruel and judgemental when faced with new situations and alternative families albeit sometimes unintentionally. Their children pick up on the negativity and uncertainly.

However, yesterday imagine the delight when the son’s friend said “I wish I had two mommies!”!  I know that it sounds so simple and insignificant but to three lovely people, two of whom contemplated denying their identity, it’s such a big deal.  Their son is a delightful boy.

Mommy 1, Mommy 2 and Dad, I get it.  Thanks for sharing.   Time to take me off speed dial and start believing in yourselves as great parents.  Dad, you are an inspiration and should share your story on a blog (OnlyDads).  I’m so pleased that in the past year particularly, I’ve seen more fathers passionately pursue their parental rights.  The current reports in the press do not assist and are slightly rabble rousing.  You continue to share parental rights and should purse them as best as you can.

Embrace change.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

Separated couples – Contact with the children at Christmas time

Contact with children over Christmas

Family law solicitors are inundated with Christmas contact enquiries during this time of the year.   My advice is usually that if you live close enough to one another, the day could be shared between you.  Parent 1 could have the morning to 1400/1500 and Parent 2 could have the afternoon / evening (times may vary).  That way, the children see both of you and enjoy the day.

Resisting contact or refusing to facilitate contact to punish your ex Partner is indirectly punishing the children and demonstrates an inability to put the needs of the children first.

If you live far apart, it is unfair to expect the children to spend hours on Christmas day travelling.  It is also unfair on you/your ex partner to have to travel when you could be enjoying your day.  In those cases we encourage parent 2 to have contact on Boxing Day.  The following year, the routine alternates with parent 2 having contact on Christmas day and parent 1 having contact on Boxing Day.

It is difficult to reach an amicable agreement when one is in the process of an acrimonious divorce.  However, think about the cost savings of reaching an amicable agreement.  A good family law solicitor will encourage you to put the needs of the children first.   Unless there are welfare issues, the children should be spending time with both parents.  Try to put the children’s needs first please.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

Dear Dowry

I was recently contacted by BBC Asian Network for comments regarding the practice of paying a dowry.

I remember my father telling me that a bank account and address book were two things that an Indian father gets ready when his daughter is born. A bank account to save for the wedding and dowry, an address book to start making contacts with men who have sons of the same age as his daughter.   Even as a teenager, I was insulted at the thought of a dowry payment being made for me.

The tradition of arranging a marriage is in decline for many reasons not least because more Asian marriages are ending in divorce.  The stigma of divorce is no longer what it was particularly, as communities are integrating and the focus is shifting from
family / society based decisions, to more selfless decisions putting the child’s best interests first.  The sexism in our culture is also on the decline as daughters get educated, move away from home and prove themselves to be independent strong ladies who don’t need to be cocooned and ‘married off’ to someone who will look after them for a dowry.

Dowry payments are customery however, the focus has shifted. If a Groom’s family request a dowry, in my opinion, it’s time for a quick exit!  Expensive gifts are given at Asian weddings and that continues. You may want to gift things and register them in your daughter’s name if you are gifting a house or a car for example.  You may also wish to consider a prenuptial agreement to cover such items if the marriage breaks down within the first 5 years perhaps.

I know of families who have spent in excess of £100k on a wedding (including dowry) that didn’t survive the honeymoon.   There is no automatic right to a refund of wedding expenses or a dowry.  A good family law solicitor may be able to
negotiate the return of a dowry for you if the marriage has been short.  Needless to say, specific legal advice is required when parting with large sums of money in order to plan to reduce the risk of losing the funds on breakdown of marriage.

In the strictest of Asian families’ we still sadly see forced marriages.  Fortunately, a way out is available as the law is focusing on identifying and providing remedies for these victims.  If the bride and groom have a free choice as to marriage, the freedom to date and make an informed decision, the marriage is less likely to break down.  If you want to gift a dowry, do remember that it is not something that you are guaranteed to get back if the marriage breaks down.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

‘Facebook’ divorce is on the increase – if there is a gap in the marriage ‘Facebook’ will fill it.

We at BEST now use this term to describe any relationship breakdown that includes Facebook.   Websites such as Facebook and Friends Reunited make it easy to track down old flames and childhood sweethearts.    The websites are not responsible for the
marriage breakdown; they are the new ‘black book’.

Walking away from a marriage is a temptation when fixing the marriage becomes too difficult.  Often I hear from couples who haven’t even identified the problem in the marriage.  They are just tired of the status quo that is unhappiness and frustration.  I have seen the TV show ‘marriage ref’ and whilst it has its comedy value (arguably) it is a wasted opportunity to deal with
common / serious problems in a marriage that can be addressed.   Divorce is a minefield for most couples and the more information people have on the process, the better.   It’s a shame that the show cannot be used to deal with common issues that leave the family law courts bulging with new cases.  We need our own version of ‘Judge Judy’ without the craziness.

The more information couples have on family law principles, the more equipped they will be to resolve issues without court intervention.

Best regards

 

Harjit Sarang

Gay parenting / alternative familes

There are many things that make us different from other families depending on where we live, religion, culture, appearance, abilities, financial resources etc. Children always have questions about why they are different. This could be about wealth, colour, single parenting, culture or sexual orientation. It is for parents to educate their children in a way that encourages acceptance of
many different lifestyles. As a family law solicitor I see many different family situations. Sexual orientation rarely features as a reason for marital disharmony and I have never seen a case where sexual orientation is the reason for poor parenting.

When I registered with my local GP and duly informed her that I was pregnant through an IVF procedure. I was horrified when she said “Have you thought about how you will explain to your children that they were conceived in a petri dish?” As it
happens I hadn’t thought about it because I know that I will have no hesitation in explaining proudly to my children that they were conceived through IVF procedures. My youngest will be amazed to know that he was frozen for 18 months! The fact that she raised it as a possible ‘issue’ offended me. How many of us have asked our parents how we were conceived?

Often I feel that it is not the people who are ‘alternative’ that are the problem. It’s the people who are ‘normal’ who cannot deal with alternatives and differences in society possibly, probably because they have never been in a position where an alternative is the only option.

The past two years have seen an increase in awareness of surrogacy in the UK and surrogacy abroad for gay couples. David Furnish and Elton John famously fathered a child following an international surrogacy arrangement; Ricky Martin is father to twin boys via gestational surrogacy and ‘H’ from Steps recently admitted to ‘Psychic Sally’ that surrogacy is something that he
and his Partner are now thinking about (she already knew…)

Surrogacy in India is very popular for heterosexual couples for cost reasons and also largely due to the reassurance of established surrogacy centres. Unfortunately, it is not a popular choice for gay couples due to India’s disappointing negative position
on homosexuality. We all have the right to make a commitment to someone and have a family regardless of sexual orientation. How we make that commitment, to whom we make that commitment and how we create a family will differ family to family.

Best regards,

Harjit Sarang

Surrogacy – Can the surrogate mother keep our baby?

The surrogate mother doesn’t have to give you the baby.  The fact that you have spent hundreds or even thousands on making her pregnancy as comfortable as possible is irrelevant.

There can be no legally binding agreement made in this country to compel the surrogate mother to give the child to you against her wishes.  It does not matter how many assurances you were given before and during the pregnancy verbally or in writing.   The law is clear. The legal mother of the child will always be the lady who gave birth to the child until there is a court order stating otherwise.  That Order is likely to be a Parental Order which extinguishes the legal rights of the birth mother.  Whether you and your
Partner have any legal rights to the child, depends on many factors including most importantly, biological links to the child and whether the surrogate mother was married.

Getting legal advice on surrogacy in the UK before entering in to any arrangement that results in a child being born is imperative.

Best regards,

Harjit Sarang